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"Life is short, but this time it was bigger than the strength she had to get up off her knees"

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Hemingway has his classic moment in “The Sun Also Rises” when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. All he can say is, “Gradually, then suddenly.” That’s how depression hits. You wake up one morning, afraid that you’re gonna live.

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Not sure how I got back into this…

I have always had a problem with controlling my emotions and cutting. For a while, I was able to stop. I was ten months clean. Until, that is, last October. Ever since then, I have been having problems. I used to cut my arms when I was younger. But scared of the attention, I started cutting my thighs. It’s simpler. No one has to know and I can do it whenever I please. I bet you can’t imagine how strange people think it is when you don’t wear shorts or skirts on a hot summer day. I never realize how big of a deal it was to wear shorts when its hot. I was givens so much grief and I didn’t have an excuse, aside from low self esteem. My depression has turned into major anxiety. I even sometimes have panic attacks for no reason when I lay down to sleep. Heaven forbid if I have to make a phone call…I pick up the phone and I can’t even dial due to my heart racing and feeling alarmed. Thank God for certain people in my life… It’s because of them I know I would never commit suicide, no matter how much I tell myself to try. I feel pathetic talking about this on tumblr, but when you don’t have a therapist or anyone who really understands… I guess it makes due.

Alright Pennsic…let’s see what you’ve got.

Pennsic is this week ^.^

I am so excited, yet…not

Leaving Saturday and I still have quite a bit to do on a limited amount of money. Once I am actually there, I’m sure I’ll enjoy myself…

More so just looking forward to getting away from this town and going someplace with my boyfriend where I can love on him all I want without having to hide anything…

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